When Peace Like a River

Much of my life these past few months has felt like I have been walking upstream in chest deep water. With spring coming, I had thought that the pain of the loss of my dad would have lessened by now. Instead, I find the sadness welling up again at unexpected times. I catch my breath as a sharp stab to my heart reminds me that my dad is gone.

There are supposed to be five stages of grief and I guess I am somewhere along that journey right now. I'm not angry or in denial. I just know that I still miss my dad. I've reached the point where I can actually talk about memories of him and not always want to cry. I have resorted to indulging on some of my hardest days (mainly on coffee, chocolate, and granola bars, but not usually all at once). I don't want to numb myself to the pain.  I lost my Dad-his memory should be grieved.

I try to remind myself that there are others on similar journeys, for the river of grief is rarely walked completely alone.

My children have suffered the loss of their birth parents and birth culture, at an age where they will not have the comfort of loving memories. Other's in my life have suffered the loss of children before they ever had a chance to meet them. Some are grieving the loss of a dream, a future that will never be their's or the diagnosis of an illness.

It's good to remember that struggle is happening in the lives of others, even in the midst of our own pain. As hard as it is to do, I believe if we reach out to others we could help each other as we work through it.

Sorrow is an experience that is touches all of us. It rarely makes sense. While never welcomed, it brings a certain complexity and tenderness to our lives if we allow it.  Instead of our lives having the simplicity of the song 'Chopsticks' it becomes more like a piece by Tchaikovsky.

Oswald Chambers once said, "If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart." So as I walk through this period of brokenness, I pray that His purposes are brought to pass through this struggle knowing that God will carry me through.

This old hymn really says it all.

It is Well With My Soul by Horatio G. Spafford

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

Refrain

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

Refrain

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

Refrain

But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!

Refrain

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Refrain

---

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Math Club, Matchmaking, and Other Mysteries

Some things in life are a complete mystery to me.

Take math club for example.  Growing up, I knew people that were in math club (or Math Masters). They were very nice people, fun people. But I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that club was not for me.

Solving mathematical equations for fun? No thanks, I'm good.

The ironic part is...I now run a math club at our school. The kids are having a blast, I'm having a blast...I still can't believe it. Who'd have ever thought?

Matchmaking. Yikes. I have gone on dates with men that people have matched me up with. They weren't horrible dates, but we definitely weren't a match.(Okay, so one of the matches actually was pretty bad. He had recently quit taking his medication...but that's a whole other story.) Now we have all of these dating sites like Match.com, eHarmony.com, ChristianMingle.com, etc. with ads proclaiming their success. I love the idea of finding my perfect match, but matchmaking freaks me out.

For Pete's sake they even sang about the risks of arranged marriages in Fiddler on the Roof..although that tune really sticks in your head.

Potty chairs with an Ipad stand attached.. I'm not even kidding. Sigh. Like we need to kill children's imaginations at an even earlier age.

Not to mention all of the germs. Ugh. Enough said.

Those are the 'big' mysteries bothering me these days. Although, there are a few minor one's still floating around in my head (Like banana popsicles, fruit juice that contains no actual fruit juice, high heeled tennis shoes, kidney pie...)



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One Year Ago, I Met My Daughter

One year ago, Little Man and I traveled to Haiti to meet Baby B for the first time (check out those posts here, here , here, and here). Although she has only been home since September, it already has started to feel like she was always here (in a good way! ☺) The smiles come more easily these days, the tears are less. Lately, she only wants her mama when other people are around...and I love it! 

So much has happened in a year. I thought you'd like to see some of our highlights.

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Unhappy People

Unhappy people are all around us in life, without us always realizing it. They come across as 'difficult.' We, more often than not, absorb their negativity and throw it right back at them. Then we continue on our way, being equally difficult to those who are unfortunate enough to cross our paths.  It's a frequently repeated occurrence.

Last week I encountered many unhappy people. Each was unhappy for a different reason.

Past Decisions

The first was dealing with pain from a decision they regretted in their past. The anger at themselves had tainted every aspect of their lives since then. Anyone that they perceived as being associated with that negative event-ready, aim, fire. That's where I walked into the picture. A completely innocent bystander, I was first shocked, sickened, and then furious. How could she, how dare she, I'll show her...you get the picture. Thankfully, I was at work so I couldn't respond right away. Then I went home and I had sick kids to take care of. When I finally was able to deal with the issue, I had taken time to breath and process. That's when I realized her anger did not have to become my own. Her anger was just her coping mechanism, her way to block the grief and sadness that she had never truly allowed herself to deal with. So I took a breath, said a prayer for her, and moved on.

Circumstances

The second was dealing with temporary circumstances that were causing a great deal of stress. Through no fault of her own, life had thrown her a curve ball. She felt overwhelmed and was sinking. Everything at this point felt like too much. Consequently, her response to everyday events was not as gracious as it normally would have been. She was hurting, had lost her joy. While she was not consciously trying to spread her pain, it was happening nonetheless. I crossed her path, got 'bit', took the bait. and bit back. I instantly regretted my reaction and worked to repair my half of the problem. In the end things, worked out fine, but it wasn't a fun situation at the time.

Failure

The third was a student of mine. We had just started a new project in class. I could see that he was determined to succeed. This young man does not do well with any missteps or imperfections. He fears failure and looking weak more than anything else. Unfortunately, as with all humans, he made a mistake on his drawing. Despite having an eraser close at hand, he instantly became angry and started to shut down. I offered a couple of solutions and tried to redirect. Instead, he started to bait the nearest student that he knew would 'bite'. Soon, I had two angry students. I told the other student what was happening, and in the end, he was able to walk away without taking the anger with him.

I encountered each of these situations over a twenty-four hour period. In two of the three scenarios, I wanted to lash out in return. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's true. I, in turn, started to become the difficult person.  It's a good lesson for me to be reminded of.

Being able to look past the anger to see the underlying pain, makes all the difference.

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Wishing for Spring

We've had a warm streak around here lately. It's been so warm (up to a steamy fifty degrees!) that the kids are outside at recess without their coats on. I know, I know, fifty degrees isn't that warm in most places, but when you've had a winter of -40, it feels positively muggy.

Thankfully, the warmer days are starting to melt the piles of snow. There are even a few places where you can see patches of grass.

When my dad was still alive, this kind of weather would get both of us all excited. For us, melting snow has always meant two things. 1.) get out the shovels and channel the water off of the gravel drive. 2.) Start raking some of the snow banks down so that they melt faster.

Yep, kind of lame, but it always worked for us. When I was kid, us kids would be floating various objects down the rivulets of water my dad created in his quest to dry off the driveway. Now, Little Man and Baby B will be following in my footsteps, while I follow Dad's.

Some would say it's an exercise in futility. That it really doesn't make enough of a difference to warrant the amount of time, and effort we put in to the process. That it's much too early to be thinking that the snow will melt any time soon (at least where we live.)

They are probably right.

Dry driveway, here we come. Now where did I put the rake and shovel?



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What's So Different About Adoptive Parenting

03/12/14 I have clarified one point at the end of this post.

There are an increasing number of families being formed through adoption these days. According to the website statisticbrain.com, there were 1,782,000 adoptions as reported by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services in April of 2013.

Our beautiful Scandinavian, Ethiopian, Haitian family was formed through adoption. But, when you look at our family, I don't want that to be the focus of what you see. We are not the poster family for adoption.

We are a family, period, end of story.

*A quote from Dr. Karyn Purvis' video, "Attachment: Why It Matters" sums up the way I feel. Dr. Purvis is the director of the Institute of Child Development at TCU University, a group which focuses on helping children who have joined families through adoption or foster care. It says, "Adoptive parents become the biological parents through connection. We change their biology."

It  is good to have an awareness and sensitivity to individuals and families affected by adoption (including birth parents). I feel, however, that it's equally important to breath a little sometimes and let kids be kids regardless of their birth history.

So, do me a favor. Please do not watch and analyze every move my children (and I) make to see if they are having attachment difficulties. To determine if they are 'you know, all adjusted and happy and stuff.'  You see, sometimes life is just life. When my children feel sad, sometimes it is because of their rough start in life, and sometimes they are just, well...sad. Same for tantrums. More often than not, Baby B is just having a tantrum, nothing more.

If I see a child having a fit in a store, I don't sit and analyze the situation ("Gee, I wonder if that child is attaching well to their family...")  Why should my children be treated any differently?

When Little Man started school, some of the difficulties he encountered were because of his early years in the care center. Nap time in preschool was a nightmare. Forget the learning the ABC's. Kindergarten was a year that just getting used to school being a safe place was all that he could learn.

Some of the projects in school (like those lovely family tree and 'timeline of my life' projects) break my heart as I try to help Little Man navigate through them. At those times I feel very strongly our 'different-ness' from families formed solely through biology. As a teacher, I feel blessed that I have opportunities in my day for educating children and fellow teachers that adoption is just another way to form a family.

If my children were old enough to articulate themselves this well, I think they would agree with Carl Jung when he said, "I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become."

So no, my life and my children's lives are not dominated by the fact that our family was formed through adoption-except those times when it is.

**To further expand on the idea presented in the quote, the research done by The Institute of Child Development goes on to say:

"You are the biological parent, for you are shaping the biology of their brain."  

Let me be clear. This is not to take anything away from the biological parents of the child. It's not a change in the DNA. It's a nature and nurture issue.

 A matter of neurological brain development. 

The nature is the development that went on in utero and the genetic make up that makes them who they are. Any child whose birth family ultimately had to make the tough decision to place their child out of their care comes from a tough start. The stress of making that decision has effected the brain development, the neurological synapses, even before the child is born.  

 That's when the nurturing of the adoptive or foster parent(s) comes in. Brain development does not stop after birth. It continues throughout one's lifetime. To again quote from The Institute of Child Development,  "Secure relationships can promote new brain growth and biologically improve a child's ability to regulate his or her emotions and behavior." Parents have the opportunity to create an environment where proper attachment, and the creation of a 'safe place' can help the child to not only feel safe but to 'make up for' some of the gaps they have due to their tough start. Just as a person who has suffered the trauma of a stroke can still retrain their brain, so too can a child who has suffered early trauma in their life. It may be difficult, and it won't erase what they have gone through in their past, but there are still opportunity to have new brain growth.

The quote, when taken out of the context that it was stated, is confusing. My hope was that people would click on Dr. Purvis' name and find out more about her research or already be familiar with the work that Dr. Purvis and The Institute of Child Development. 

Yes, I do know that adoption does not change genetically who my children are (I wouldn't want it to.) Of course our children's biology cannot (and should not) be changed. 

I have provided a link to a trailer for a DVD that has recently been put out by Dr. Purvis and The Institute of Child Development about the  importance of attachment:  Attachment: Why It Matters  Dr. Purvis also has co-authored the book The Connected Child.  That book and the training that I took part in through my adoption agency, has been really helpful for our family. It is a book that I feel would be a helpful parenting tool no matter how a child joined a family (whether through birth, adoption, or foster care.)

 The Myth of the First Three Years by John Bruer also talks about neurological brain development throughout a person's lifetime.

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