Adoption Link Up 3: Adoption Ethics

The topic for this Adoption Talk Link Up is adoption ethics, a topic that I, as an adoptive parent, take very seriously. When I was considering adoption before bringing home Little Man and Baby B one of the most important parts of the process was making sure my agency was ethical.

So what exactly is an 'ethical' adoption agency? 

For me, that meant that there was evidence the agency was doing everything in the power to keep children with their birth families, if at all possible. This could involve anything from help with finding employment, to providing supplemental food while the families are getting back on their feet, to providing access to schooling, community gardens, and wells for clean water.

Helping the families and community rather than just taking their future (the children) away from the them.

It also meant that safeguards were in place to ensure that the children being placed were truly in need of a home, that they were not being stolen and/or that the parents were not being forced or coerced into letting their children go to another family, with false promises of being reunified one day.

On one occasion, during my adoption from Haiti, I was able to see the director of the agency have a conversation with a young birth mother. The mother was wanting to place her baby in the creche but the director was adamant that what she needed was to first find a job, so that she could provide for her child (support was provided from the agency for her to make steps towards this goal.) Sadly, relinquishment happens when a loving birth families who lack the resources to provide for their children's most basic needs-food, clean water, medical care, or shelter.

During my adoption journey, I worked with three different agencies. Two were very ethical, and have in place programs like the ones I mentioned. One agency I left (several thousands of dollars into an adoption) because red flags started popping up. I didn't feel comfortable that they weren't using coercion to find children to place with their adoptive families, so I walked away.

So how does a person find an ethical agency?

1. Talk to anyone you know who has adopted. Ask them what their experience was like and if they would recommend their agency to others.

2. Search the internet. RESEARCH A TON. Make a list of agencies that have in place safe guards to maintain high ethical standards, and providing support for the birth families.

2. Interview agencies. Make a list of your questions. Call and ask to speak with the director of the program you are interested in. Do a gut check. Any red flags yet?

3. Check with the Better Business Bureau to see if there are any complaints with the agencies you are looking at.

4. Take your narrowed down list, call back those agencies, and ask for references...families that have adopted through them. Most adoptive families are very open to talking about their experiences.

By going through these steps, you will, hopefully, have narrowed it down to one or two agencies. Take your time and don't rush this part of the process. You want to find an agency that not only is a good fit for you but, perhaps even more importantly, respects, honors, and supports the birth families as the struggle to make the best choice for their child.

Don't forget to check out the other blogs in the link up (here's one to check out) and leave a comment.

http://www.nobohnsaboutit.com/

 


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Our Adoption Story (A Second Look)

Today I'm excited to be participating in the first topic of the Adoption Talk Link Up. The first topic we are covering is “Our Stories.”

http://www.nobohnsaboutit.com/

I've written about our adoption stories before (you can read it here) but today I decided to go out on a limb and tackle how it felt when I adopted my oldest, Little Man (kind of a big deal for me so please be kind.)

Several years ago, I was part of a discussion with some other parents about our children's adoption stories. It was expressed by one of the parents that they wished their children had the fairy tale coming home story that many children being raised by their birth families had.

That really resonated with me. Adoption, to me, is the redemption of a deep tragedy. A testament that beauty can rise from the ashes.

At the time, I was being treated for Hodgkin's Lymphoma and was having trouble sleeping due to some of my medications. One night, after a day of chemo, this story poured out, a gift from God. I slept like a baby once I had finished it.  I hope to write down Baby B's story one day to share with her as well.

I've never shared our story in this way on the blog before. It's meant too much, and seemed too precious and sacred to share. It was never the right time.

Until now.

There you go! If you have an adoption story to share please feel free join the link up and check out some of the other blogs here, to get started.

~ Aleah Bea

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One Year Ago, I Met My Daughter

One year ago, Little Man and I traveled to Haiti to meet Baby B for the first time (check out those posts here, here , here, and here). Although she has only been home since September, it already has started to feel like she was always here (in a good way! ☺) The smiles come more easily these days, the tears are less. Lately, she only wants her mama when other people are around...and I love it! 

So much has happened in a year. I thought you'd like to see some of our highlights.

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What's So Different About Adoptive Parenting

03/12/14 I have clarified one point at the end of this post.

There are an increasing number of families being formed through adoption these days. According to the website statisticbrain.com, there were 1,782,000 adoptions as reported by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services in April of 2013.

Our beautiful Scandinavian, Ethiopian, Haitian family was formed through adoption. But, when you look at our family, I don't want that to be the focus of what you see. We are not the poster family for adoption.

We are a family, period, end of story.

*A quote from Dr. Karyn Purvis' video, "Attachment: Why It Matters" sums up the way I feel. Dr. Purvis is the director of the Institute of Child Development at TCU University, a group which focuses on helping children who have joined families through adoption or foster care. It says, "Adoptive parents become the biological parents through connection. We change their biology."

It  is good to have an awareness and sensitivity to individuals and families affected by adoption (including birth parents). I feel, however, that it's equally important to breath a little sometimes and let kids be kids regardless of their birth history.

So, do me a favor. Please do not watch and analyze every move my children (and I) make to see if they are having attachment difficulties. To determine if they are 'you know, all adjusted and happy and stuff.'  You see, sometimes life is just life. When my children feel sad, sometimes it is because of their rough start in life, and sometimes they are just, well...sad. Same for tantrums. More often than not, Baby B is just having a tantrum, nothing more.

If I see a child having a fit in a store, I don't sit and analyze the situation ("Gee, I wonder if that child is attaching well to their family...")  Why should my children be treated any differently?

When Little Man started school, some of the difficulties he encountered were because of his early years in the care center. Nap time in preschool was a nightmare. Forget the learning the ABC's. Kindergarten was a year that just getting used to school being a safe place was all that he could learn.

Some of the projects in school (like those lovely family tree and 'timeline of my life' projects) break my heart as I try to help Little Man navigate through them. At those times I feel very strongly our 'different-ness' from families formed solely through biology. As a teacher, I feel blessed that I have opportunities in my day for educating children and fellow teachers that adoption is just another way to form a family.

If my children were old enough to articulate themselves this well, I think they would agree with Carl Jung when he said, "I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become."

So no, my life and my children's lives are not dominated by the fact that our family was formed through adoption-except those times when it is.

**To further expand on the idea presented in the quote, the research done by The Institute of Child Development goes on to say:

"You are the biological parent, for you are shaping the biology of their brain."  

Let me be clear. This is not to take anything away from the biological parents of the child. It's not a change in the DNA. It's a nature and nurture issue.

 A matter of neurological brain development. 

The nature is the development that went on in utero and the genetic make up that makes them who they are. Any child whose birth family ultimately had to make the tough decision to place their child out of their care comes from a tough start. The stress of making that decision has effected the brain development, the neurological synapses, even before the child is born.  

 That's when the nurturing of the adoptive or foster parent(s) comes in. Brain development does not stop after birth. It continues throughout one's lifetime. To again quote from The Institute of Child Development,  "Secure relationships can promote new brain growth and biologically improve a child's ability to regulate his or her emotions and behavior." Parents have the opportunity to create an environment where proper attachment, and the creation of a 'safe place' can help the child to not only feel safe but to 'make up for' some of the gaps they have due to their tough start. Just as a person who has suffered the trauma of a stroke can still retrain their brain, so too can a child who has suffered early trauma in their life. It may be difficult, and it won't erase what they have gone through in their past, but there are still opportunity to have new brain growth.

The quote, when taken out of the context that it was stated, is confusing. My hope was that people would click on Dr. Purvis' name and find out more about her research or already be familiar with the work that Dr. Purvis and The Institute of Child Development. 

Yes, I do know that adoption does not change genetically who my children are (I wouldn't want it to.) Of course our children's biology cannot (and should not) be changed. 

I have provided a link to a trailer for a DVD that has recently been put out by Dr. Purvis and The Institute of Child Development about the  importance of attachment:  Attachment: Why It Matters  Dr. Purvis also has co-authored the book The Connected Child.  That book and the training that I took part in through my adoption agency, has been really helpful for our family. It is a book that I feel would be a helpful parenting tool no matter how a child joined a family (whether through birth, adoption, or foster care.)

 The Myth of the First Three Years by John Bruer also talks about neurological brain development throughout a person's lifetime.

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Toddler Adoption: Things I've Learned

I had almost forgotten what it was like bringing home a toddler. Little Man has been home five years. Five years is a long time. Plus, Baby B is almost a year younger than Little Man was when he came home. What a huge difference a year makes! I feel like God gave me Baby B to show me that I had a lot to learn.

However, a few things have helped me through both adoptions.

Prayer 
There will be hard days. Days when both you and your child will be crying, or angry. That is a given. There may even be some days that you find yourself wondering if you've made a huge mistake. Nights when you will lie awake with all of the worst case scenarios running through your head. When you wonder if things will ever feel normal again. I'm here to tell you they will. Pray. God will help you through it. Still feel stressed and overwhelmed? Pray some more.

Patience 
Your child will test your limits in more ways than you ever knew was possible. They will find every one of your buttons and push them. Or your child will remain distant despite all of your attempts to enter their quality world. Take a deep breath. Keep trying. Talk out loud to yourself if they don't want to communicate with you. They ARE listening and watching and learning. This is the infant stage of your relationship. Give it time to grow. Baby steps.

Perseverance
Some days you will want to give up. Your child, the one you prayed for, and waited for may be sad/angry/distant/fearful/etc.and you secretly fear it will last forever. You will feel wounded. Why does your child not love you? Why are they not responding? Never give up. Be the constant in their life. Be consistent. Things are changing. You are tough. You've come this far and you're in it for the long hall. Press on.

Play 
Find ways to play. Laugh together. Get creative finding ways to encourage face to face interactions.Paint or put stickers on each other's faces. Throw a ball back and forth. Toss a balloon around your living room. Hop through mud puddles. Go to a children's museum. Take a road trip. Form memories together as a family. This is huge. The more history you share, the more you will begin to feel like family and the more your child will feel like they belong.

Prune Juice (or popcorn or hot dogs...)
Your toddler may have food issues during the transition. What your child was supposed to like so much, may just be a reminder of the orphanage now. Food now tastes different, smells different, it may even have a different consistency. Both Little Man and Baby B had foods that went from being favorites to being something that they could barely stomach.

Keep trying, be creative.

Baby B recently decided that she no longer cares to drink water during the day. Or go 'number 2'  (Which, if you think about what being dehydrated does to you, who can blame her.) After two weeks of misery on both of our parts, I decided to pull out 'the big guns'. Yep. Prune juice and popcorn. Plus, oatmeal, and lots of fruit and veggies. No bowels can resist that combination.

Toddler adoption can be tricky and very tiring at times. But it's worth it.

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Just B...

...Tricky

Having Baby B home has made me think about many things in new, ahem, more creative ways. 

Take eating a meal, for example. Baby B does not understand why ALL food in view is not for her. She will chow down her plate of food, and if I haven't eaten my food yet she will be very upset (or irate) that I am not giving my food to her.  The same with Little Man's food.  I have actually taken to eating many of my calories while she is sleeping...or hiding in the bathroom.

According to Baby B the old saying is...What's mine is mine and what's yours is also mine?

We are currently potty training Baby B, so hopefully she will be nearly trained by the time Grandma starts taking care of her when I head back to work. I know that Baby B is only two, but she really was not liking having wet or dirty diapers so we started potty training. Then, smart girl that she is, Baby B realized this was an area where she could assert her own will. That girl has bladder and bowel control like you wouldn't believe! Luckily, I have heard many parents who have used the M & M trick...I ended  up using  chocolate chips, along with wild "You did it! What a big girl!" cheering. I never imagined I would be jumping up and down because of someone's successful elimination of body wastes. Hmmm.

Bedtime. I can't be the only parent who pretends to be falling asleep so that their toddler will succumb to Mr. Sandman. She's really good but I always win out in the end, at least so far.

How did I acquire such 'tricky' skills, you may ask. I worked for years with middle school students, have been an aunt for eighteen years and loved every minute of it. I especially love the challenge of getting kids to want to do what I wanted them to do (without them realizing that I was doing it.) 

Always a good time.

Hopefully, these skills will continue to come in handy while I raise Little Man and Baby B. I don't know though, I'm a little afraid that they might start to outsmart me before too long.

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Sleeping less, playing more.

Last night was a tricky one. Baby B was moaning and crying in her sleep from about 2:30 AM until 5:30 when she got up for the day. She had been sleeping in my bed and during the night I was able to console her so that she didn't wake up Little Man in the night. At 5:30, I had gotten up for the day to pack lunch for Little Man, and get ready for the day in general-so she woke up sobbing when I wasn't there for her. Poor little sweetie.

Some nights are like that. On the way to school, I commented that I was a little tired this morning. Little Man asked me if I had forgotten what two was like (aka, taking care of a 2 year old). 

He is waaaaay too smart. So is Baby B. She is learning English like crazy! She especially enjoys telling our dog to be quiet and sit down. 

What have we been up to around here?

                           

                       We've been doing a lot of dancing to The Wiggles ...                       

 

(I warn you if you watch this video it will probably be trapped in your head like it is in mine.)  

  enjoying the fall weather...

 playing

 and 

   learning a ton...

 and getting to know cousins.

I'm one blessed mama.

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Go.

There have been times in my life that I have felt God nudging me in a certain direction. Usually a direction that I don't feel completely comfortable with.  I don't exactly pride myself in 'living on the edge.' I like to at least kind of know that the end result will be. 

Adoption (a much of life) isn't like that-or shouldn't be. 

Sometimes we just need to trust, and then go.

Bringing home my children from other countries was a big stretch for me.  But I felt God calling me to do it, and it was the best decision I've made in my entire life.

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Things that I've learned

Happy Sunday. 

I am feeling a bit introspective today, which is funny because if you could hear the background noise of what is happening here, you would hear a toddler in the midst of round four of an epic tantrum.

What exactly set it off? It's hard to say. She was terrific in church today (her first service since coming to America), but on the ride home she decided she wasn't happy. And so it began. 

Little Man is outside playing. Smart guy. I am trying to teach him to be patient, but also to do what he needs to do to keep himself feeling sane and healthy. It's tough being almost eight, an only child and suddenly having your life revolve around a two year old. As great as we are doing overall, I feel sad for my first born. This transition stuff is tricky even for a grown up! Now he has to share me and his whole with someone else.

How am I doing? Well, I'm glad you asked. I'm alright.

 Interestingly enough, Baby B has taught (or reminded) of some things about myself during her first week home. 

I talk too much.

I know, shocking, right?

My toddler can't understand much of what I am saying, and me talking just ticks her off more when she's mad. It is much better if I just stick with her, saying as little as possible, and let her know that I love her and am there for her. Sometimes that means I hold her through the tantrum, sometimes that means I just sit with her while she gets it out of her system. Always, it is better that I remain very quiet, still, and peaceful while she does what she needs to do. Somedays, that is easier said than done.

 I am (kind of) tough!

I can manage international travel with an almost eight year old and a two year old.
Need I say more? I'm not saying that I'm going to run out and get a tattoo any time soon but hey those trips are tricky.

I am strong! 

I mean, really strong. ☺I carried a two year old and a diaper bag all the way from from Haiti-and continue to carry her a lot most days (Little Man helped with the carry on.) Not that I'm complaining. It's great for attachment, and I will be pretty buff by next spring if this keeps up.

 I love smooching baby cheeks and getting kisses from my baby (and Little Man).

After waiting so long for my children to come home, I feel like I need to make up for lost time. Baby B has two years worth of hugs and kisses coming to her. Luckily, she doesn't mind. Little Man, on the other hand is such a man, I try not to smother him. After all, he has been home five years now.

Being an independent person makes having someone dependent on you very...interesting.

I am independent to a fault. Little Man came home wired to be pretty independent also. Plus, he was older when he arrived home. He definitely still needed me but most of those early baby needs he had already gone through. I always joked with my family and friends that maybe I wasn't 'wired' to be a mom of a baby. I think I may have even said, "My babies come home potty trained." Oh, foolish girl. God seemed to think that was a funny joke, and here I sit with a precious two year old starter package of my very own. Wow! Babies are tricky folks.

The learning is just starting. This adventure is turning out to be a lot different than when Little Man came home. But, I think that we are up for the challenge.

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Nap-time note...

Since I have a moment...

You know how two year olds have tantrums? Try taking a two year old away from everything that's familiar to them, take away their ability to communicate (which they've just learned how to do), take away their best friend. That being said, things are going amazingly well. In fact, every day is better than the one before. There have been some tantrums. Major tantrums. 

On our way home from Haiti, she had such a meltdown in the hotel that I left Little Man in the locked hotel room, and went down to the tunnel level of the building so that she wouldn't wake up everyone on the floor.

Little Man is having to make some adjustments to his vision of what life is like with a little sister. It's hard to go from being the only child for five years, to having a two year old competing for Mom's attention. Today is his first day back to school while I stay home with his little sister. That was a tough one to take but he handled it pretty well.

We have all shed some tears. There will be more tears to shed. Adjustment takes time.

But Baby B is running and laughing and playing like your average toddler. She likes her baby cousins, but isn't too sure about whether or not they are going to steal her toys. She teases her brother. She loves to be carried around...a lot! (I tell you, I am getting in a workout every day just by carrying her around.) Grandma and Grandpa's trampoline is a big hit. Baby B is even picking up English. Just today, as I was emailing some info for work, I said to her, "Those are Mama's things." Without a pause, she parroted those words right back to me, twice. I couldn't believe it!

Last night, bedtime was a breeze! Not a single tear shed. Today's nap, she fell asleep in three minutes. Yay! It may be a one time thing, but I'll take it.

So, although our journey is just beginning, we are becoming more of a family every day. 

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So, now that we're home

Now that we're home, I know people are waiting to hear about how things are going, see tons of photo updates, etc. 

Yikes, no pressure right?!

Okay guys. Let me put it this way, suppose you were pregnant...for years. Then suddenly you have a toddler. This is where everything gets very real (now fairy tale imaginings anymore.)

How does that feel? 

Wonderful, overwhelming, surreal, amazing, tiring...you get the picture. (Little Man didn't realize that his new 'squishy and cute' sister would be having toddler tantrums. )To put everyone's mind at ease, we are doing really well. Every day is better that the one before. Baby B is a super smart, funny, loving little girl.

 There are definite hiccups (which I will share with you one day) but we are becoming a family.

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We are home!

We are back from our trip to bring Baby B home! Sorry that I couldn't tell you all of the details ahead of time, but I wanted maintain a certain degree of privacy for my kiddos.

We have pictures that I will be sharing, when I have the time today (I hope). It's funny how I don't seem to have as much time for 'stuff' with a two year old around! :)  Little Man and I are exhausted. 

She's a busy Baby B.

Right now, our little princess naps. So I thought I would grab a moment to say 'Hi'.   I will have a lot to share about the ups and downs of bringing home a two year old.

Oh and feel free to check out the FB page for a picture of Baby B.

JustB-Adoption Facebook Page

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Any Advice?

Here is what I've been thinking about lately. Since this is the month we travel plane rides, with a toddler, are in the not to distant future. It's been awhile since I brought Little Man home from Ethiopia (five years next week). Little Man will be a big help, but I want to make the trip as pleasant for Baby B possible.

I have some ideas (stickers, bandaids, and tape are always a hit) and I am packing some books that are supposed to be tear proof. 

But a person could always use some more ideas.

What are some things that you all have found helpful when travelling with a toddler? 

Leave your ideas in the comments section, on the FB page, or feel free to private message me.

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Something's Coming...

I know I've been absent a bit lately...and today is supposed to be the day that I post a 'Just B' post. However, things are moving fast around here lately. Work is insane. Plus, I have been trying to plan ahead for when I take my leave to stay home with Baby B.

Baby will be be coming home this month! Yep, you heard me right. I am in the midst of trying to prepare myself for having a two year old. This weekend I'm hoping to get the car vacuumed out and shampooed before I set up the car seat (I just can't wait any longer to put it in there.) Even the thought of having a two year on a plane seems a bit daunting. Thankfully, Baby B is a pretty mellow little girl so I don't think she will be one of those children that is screaming through the entire flight. I just want to make sure that I have plenty of things to keep her busy, just in case she doesn't sleep much coming home.  

Little Man is getting very impatient for his little sister to come home. Even though the light is at the end of the tunnel at this point, I think that both of us feel like we will be holding our breath until she is actually home.

Meanwhile, the toddler bed is set up. All of her clothes are washed and ready for her. I have a blankie for her to snuggle with (and to keep her warm on the flight home) and I have to finish the doll that I have been making for her.

Lots to do. At least it helps me to feel like I am doing something useful until she comes home.

So, stay tuned. :) Not to mess with you or anything but...

To paraphrase a song from Westside Story, 'Somethings coming, and I know what it is and it is gonna be great! The air is humming, cause something good is coming!'

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Beauty from Ashes

Much like the ferns that first spring up after a fire, adoption is new life springing from great loss.

Baby B is losing everything that is familiar to her. She will be losing her country, her cuisine, her creche (the only family she has ever known), her language.  Things will smell differently, the bed will feel different, the food, the trees,  and the people will be different. The natural rhythm of her day will change (Midwestern time flows at a different rate than Haitian time). 

Even the air smells different.

When I visit Haiti, it is a complete culture shock.  I spend most of my time reaching back into the far corners of my mind trying to remember my high school French so that I can communicate with those around me somewhat. Baby B will not have that luxury. She has no prior knowledge to access. Just as she is beginning to get a good grasp on her birth language and being able to communicate her needs- we are taking that away from her. 

How do you explain to a two year old that it will all be okay? That you are there to take care of her. That she will grow to love her new family, and her new home? That soon she will understand her new 'normal'? That this time you will stay forever?

 You hold your breath and tread lightly. You move slowly. You carefully dole out all of your stored up affection in little bits. You cry with her when she grieves a loss that she can't yet understand. You laugh together at the little things. You celebrate little successes. You give her room, but stay close. You run whenever she calls. You waltz together in that dance called becoming a family.

 To say that I am excited about the idea of my little girl coming home within the next couple of months would be an understatement. We are so close now. I am so happy that my girl will soon be home. I can hardly wait to shower her with love, and to be her mom. Little Man has a whole list of things that he wants to teach his baby sister. We are going to have so much fun together! 

But it's important for me not to forget all that she's come from, because that also will be with her throughout her life. 

My precious little Baby B. 

3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

Isaiah 61:3

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Gentlemen (and Women) Start Your Engines!

The school year is starting, I have a crazy schedule for the new year, and my baby is still not home. Just when I had reached the absolute bottom in the waiting game (emotional, and mentally) I received an email that changed everything.

We have been cleared through another office, and things are looking good. 

Baby B should be home before the snow flies.

The wild ride is nearly over.

There are still a few hurdles to clear. I have to calculate how many weeks of time off I can afford. I'm praying that I will be able to stay home for at least ten to twelve weeks. I know it will be important for her to have that amount of time with me to feel that I am really mom and that I am not leaving her forever when I go back to work. I need to get all of my sub plans ready for the time I will be gone (A little know teacher secret: We plan all of the lessons even when we are gone for an extended amount of time and we grade the work that's done while we are gone as well.)

I am praying that when we do go to pick her up, she will still be open to accepting us into her little heart as family.

For my children's safety I won't be putting our exact travel dates when we do go(for obvious reasons). But it's getting really close now. Within the next couple of months.

Anyone want to join me in doing a happy dance?!

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Important Days

This is an important week for our family.

Two years ago this week, I was declared Hodgkin's free, and my little girl was born.

Wish she was home already...my little two year old.

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Toddlers

When Baby B comes home, she will be a toddler, not a baby. Little Man was nearing three when he came home to stay forever, yet he still felt so tiny to me. Baby B is even younger and it's a little intimidating to think about. We will be jumping head first into toddler tantrums, potty training, and language issues. 

This past weekend I was looking through my adoption books to see what I might want to reread to since I have some time before she comes home. They're kind of like the 'What to Expect When You're Expecting' toddler version.

 

 

Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft               Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child

                     

             

  Inside Transracial Adoption                                                                             The Connected Child

I also need to start working again on my Creole. Hopefully, I will be able to learn enough to help Baby B's adjustment and head some tantrums off at the pass. I really like this language series of books and CDs. Unfortunately, I need to start some intense studying to be able to really speak and understand the language. My high school French is helping me some (I hope).

                              

 This should keep me busy.

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