Adoption Link Up 3: Adoption Ethics

The topic for this Adoption Talk Link Up is adoption ethics, a topic that I, as an adoptive parent, take very seriously. When I was considering adoption before bringing home Little Man and Baby B one of the most important parts of the process was making sure my agency was ethical.

So what exactly is an 'ethical' adoption agency? 

For me, that meant that there was evidence the agency was doing everything in the power to keep children with their birth families, if at all possible. This could involve anything from help with finding employment, to providing supplemental food while the families are getting back on their feet, to providing access to schooling, community gardens, and wells for clean water.

Helping the families and community rather than just taking their future (the children) away from the them.

It also meant that safeguards were in place to ensure that the children being placed were truly in need of a home, that they were not being stolen and/or that the parents were not being forced or coerced into letting their children go to another family, with false promises of being reunified one day.

On one occasion, during my adoption from Haiti, I was able to see the director of the agency have a conversation with a young birth mother. The mother was wanting to place her baby in the creche but the director was adamant that what she needed was to first find a job, so that she could provide for her child (support was provided from the agency for her to make steps towards this goal.) Sadly, relinquishment happens when a loving birth families who lack the resources to provide for their children's most basic needs-food, clean water, medical care, or shelter.

During my adoption journey, I worked with three different agencies. Two were very ethical, and have in place programs like the ones I mentioned. One agency I left (several thousands of dollars into an adoption) because red flags started popping up. I didn't feel comfortable that they weren't using coercion to find children to place with their adoptive families, so I walked away.

So how does a person find an ethical agency?

1. Talk to anyone you know who has adopted. Ask them what their experience was like and if they would recommend their agency to others.

2. Search the internet. RESEARCH A TON. Make a list of agencies that have in place safe guards to maintain high ethical standards, and providing support for the birth families.

2. Interview agencies. Make a list of your questions. Call and ask to speak with the director of the program you are interested in. Do a gut check. Any red flags yet?

3. Check with the Better Business Bureau to see if there are any complaints with the agencies you are looking at.

4. Take your narrowed down list, call back those agencies, and ask for references...families that have adopted through them. Most adoptive families are very open to talking about their experiences.

By going through these steps, you will, hopefully, have narrowed it down to one or two agencies. Take your time and don't rush this part of the process. You want to find an agency that not only is a good fit for you but, perhaps even more importantly, respects, honors, and supports the birth families as the struggle to make the best choice for their child.

Don't forget to check out the other blogs in the link up (here's one to check out) and leave a comment.

http://www.nobohnsaboutit.com/

 


Click the banner above to vote for Just B. @Top Mommy Blogs! You can vote once a day.

So, now that we're home

Now that we're home, I know people are waiting to hear about how things are going, see tons of photo updates, etc. 

Yikes, no pressure right?!

Okay guys. Let me put it this way, suppose you were pregnant...for years. Then suddenly you have a toddler. This is where everything gets very real (now fairy tale imaginings anymore.)

How does that feel? 

Wonderful, overwhelming, surreal, amazing, tiring...you get the picture. (Little Man didn't realize that his new 'squishy and cute' sister would be having toddler tantrums. )To put everyone's mind at ease, we are doing really well. Every day is better that the one before. Baby B is a super smart, funny, loving little girl.

 There are definite hiccups (which I will share with you one day) but we are becoming a family.

Click the banner above to vote for Just B. @Top Mommy Blogs! You can vote once a day.

We are home!

We are back from our trip to bring Baby B home! Sorry that I couldn't tell you all of the details ahead of time, but I wanted maintain a certain degree of privacy for my kiddos.

We have pictures that I will be sharing, when I have the time today (I hope). It's funny how I don't seem to have as much time for 'stuff' with a two year old around! :)  Little Man and I are exhausted. 

She's a busy Baby B.

Right now, our little princess naps. So I thought I would grab a moment to say 'Hi'.   I will have a lot to share about the ups and downs of bringing home a two year old.

Oh and feel free to check out the FB page for a picture of Baby B.

JustB-Adoption Facebook Page

Click the banner above to vote for Just B. @Top Mommy Blogs! You can vote once a day.

Gentlemen (and Women) Start Your Engines!

The school year is starting, I have a crazy schedule for the new year, and my baby is still not home. Just when I had reached the absolute bottom in the waiting game (emotional, and mentally) I received an email that changed everything.

We have been cleared through another office, and things are looking good. 

Baby B should be home before the snow flies.

The wild ride is nearly over.

There are still a few hurdles to clear. I have to calculate how many weeks of time off I can afford. I'm praying that I will be able to stay home for at least ten to twelve weeks. I know it will be important for her to have that amount of time with me to feel that I am really mom and that I am not leaving her forever when I go back to work. I need to get all of my sub plans ready for the time I will be gone (A little know teacher secret: We plan all of the lessons even when we are gone for an extended amount of time and we grade the work that's done while we are gone as well.)

I am praying that when we do go to pick her up, she will still be open to accepting us into her little heart as family.

For my children's safety I won't be putting our exact travel dates when we do go(for obvious reasons). But it's getting really close now. Within the next couple of months.

Anyone want to join me in doing a happy dance?!

Click the banner above to vote for Just B. @Top Mommy Blogs! You can vote once a day.

Home from Haiti, Part 4: Beauty from Ashes

Visiting Haiti is a slightly surreal experience. While there is great beauty in the country, all around there is daily a struggle to survive.

When I travel to Haiti to visit Baby B, I stay at a guesthouse run by my adoption agency. The compound is surrounded by a high wall, topped by barbed wire. A guard is payed to ensure our safety. My room is simple, but clean. There is even a small air conditioner in it to keep me cool. The bathroom that I use has no running water, but I do not have to fear being exposed to cholera when I use it (as I would if I used a public restroom elsewhere in the city). The water from the tap cannot be ingested. You will get sick if you do. No hot showers. Mosquitoes abound. Fashion is waaaay down on my list of priorities.

Kind of like camping.

It's quieter there, detached from my regular life. Although there is a TV, I don't watch it. I think only one of the channels is in English. Much of my time there is spent with people who's primary language is Creole, and I have to rely on my limited French from high school (which is a little similar). I bring a journal and allow myself to process all that is happening around me.

Three amazing meals were prepared for me every day. The meals were larger than I would normally eat, but I ate as much as I could, always cognizant of the fact that thousands were going hungry just outside the walls of the compound where I was staying. 

I had never visited Haiti before March of this year. I wish I had known the country before the tragedy of the earthquake on 12 January 2010. I watched in horror along with the rest of the world as the tragedy unfolded. Most of the world has moved on with their lives, the earthquake a distant memory.

For the people in Haiti, the struggle continues. 

The agency I am working with first tries to come alongside of the birth families, before taking their children in permanently. I was able to witness this first hand while I was in Haiti on this last visit. If the birth family feels that they can no longer take care of their children, they are counseled before the children enter the creche. This part of the process in International adoption is crucial. It's so important to have that helping hand offered to the birth families so that they can decide whether to parent their child or make an adoption plan. It is arrogant to assume that just because we live in a 'first world' country that all children would automatically be 'better off' living in our world. That mindset really bothers me.

Being 'poor' does not mean that you love your child any less. 

But, sadly, it can mean that you are forced to make the ultimate sacrifice of letting your child go, so that they can live.

Click the banner above to vote for Just B. @Top Mommy Blogs! You can vote once a day.

Haiti Trip Part 3: Becoming Mama

One of the best things that I did on this trip was to bring a photo book with pictures of Baby B, Little Man, and myself (Mama) from our first trip. My thinking was the more pictures that Baby B has of us together, the more it will start to become real to her that we are in fact a family. 

We belong together.

I had an older book that I used made by Sassy that I had put pictures in when Little Man came home from Ethiopia.

They still make the books, but I had a short notice about travelling for my Embassy visit and didn't have time to order a new one. (Thursday afternoon I was notified of my appointment, Monday I was flying off to Haiti).

One thing that surprised me with the book was that as Baby B and I looked over the pictures together with the other babies, and toddlers around, the other little peanuts were learning our names as well! B loved telling everyone who was in the book with her.

When I came to visit the second day, there were calls of 'Mama, Mama' from every verbal child in the younger group as I entered the locked courtyard.

Imagine a room filled with 10 to 15 little ones ranging in age from newborn to three.

 Enter a really tall Caucasian lady, bearing stickers and bubble soap. 

To say I was swarmed would be an understatement.

While Baby B and I spent a great deal of time playing on our own, we also spent a portion of every visit with Baby B showing me off to her friends and the nannies. I felt it was very important for me to form memories with her in her 'old life' to start our history together and to bridge the transition when she comes home.

Anyone who knows me knows I am unable to let a baby cry. If they are crying, there is a reason. Luckily my arms are strong and I'm using to carrying around multiple children.

I'm sure it was very amusing for the nannies to watch 'Mama' going around: scooping up babies, blowing bubbles, handing out hugs, turning down offers of food from two year old's mouths, trying to keep toddlers from ripping toys out of each other hands, having her smooth hair patted by curious little hands...

The nannies are doing a great job, but there are only so many hands to go around. The older children were excited to practice their English with me. A few of them are just waiting for their paperwork to be finalized so that they can go home. Their English is quite good, and you can tell great care is being taken to prepare them for their future families.

 I feel it was an honor and a privilege for me to love on these little children.

 My hope is that perhaps when their forever parents walk through that door to meet them, the transition will be a little easier because they will remember when Baby B's mama came and loved on them. 

Their faces will always be with me, and I will pray that their families come for them soon. They are wonderful little people just waiting to join their forever families.

Click the banner above to vote for Just B. @Top Mommy Blogs! You can vote once a day.

Home from Haiti Part 2: That Really Nice Lady

On our first trip to Haiti, I knew that Baby B was a tough sell. Whenever our coordinator would go down to check on the children at the creche, every picture she took of Baby B showed her staring at the camera as if to say 'So you're here to take a picture. I don't even know you. Why should I smile at you strange lady." She had her favorite nannies, but she didn't warm up to others very quickly.

After our first visit, everyone was amazed (including me) at how well she attached to us. I was thrilled, but worried at the thought of what our leaving might do to her.

With a child who has a hard time opening up their heart, you don't want to do anything to break the trust that they have given you or they could lock you out forever.

 I was really worried about how she would respond when I returned. Everyone hears about Reactive Attachment Disorder, especially in regards to children brought home after having spent time in an orphanage. Attachment issues for Baby B could be a real possibility if we aren't really careful.

The Haiti coordinator and I decided that when I went back I would not have Baby B stay with me at the guest house.  Even if it broke my heart to not have her spend every moment with me. I would head to the creche to visit her during the day and return to the guesthouse in the evening. I would try not to do any of the typical 'mom' things for her even when I visited her at the creche. No diaper changes, no feeding her meals.

I was to be 'that really nice lady' that came every day to visit (bringing fun stuff with me.) Hopefully, having her see me leave and come back many days in a row would help her while she waited for me to bring her home forever.

I think that our plan worked. The first day when I came to visit, Baby B wasn't sure if she was going to be my friend anymore. She recognized me immediately, but she was still mad that I hadn't taken her with us when we left her back at the creche on the first visit.

My poor baby. It breaks my heart.

Although she didn't want to look at me for the first hour or so, I made sure I sat where she could watch the two of us interact in the reflection of a glass door. I knew she was scared to let me back in (and risk getting hurt again.) But she couldn't resist sneaking peaks at Mama.

 It was hard work trying to stay mad at Mama.

Stickers, bubble soap, a ball, a photo album, a stuffed animal, books... All items chosen specifically for the fact that they required interaction. 

Slowly, Mama's love and the presents worked their magic.

Baby B even opened up enough to do silly toddler 'tricky tricks' (ie head upside down peaking, walking silly, bonking things on her head, trying to wear Mama's sunglasses...)

While each time I left there were still tears, I am praying that when I return Baby B will still have her heart cracked open to let me in. 

Next time, my baby, that really nice lady gets to finally be your Mama forever.