There are an increasing number of families being formed through adoption these days. According to the website statisticbrain.com, there were 1,782,000 adoptions as reported by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services in April of 2013.
Our beautiful Scandinavian, Ethiopian, Haitian family was formed through adoption. But, when you look at our family, I don't want that to be the focus of what you see. We are not the poster family for adoption.
We are a family, period, end of story.
*A quote from Dr. Karyn Purvis' video, "Attachment: Why It Matters" sums up the way I feel. Dr. Purvis is the director of the Institute of Child Development at TCU University, a group which focuses on helping children who have joined families through adoption or foster care. It says, "Adoptive parents become the biological parents through connection. We change their biology."
It is good to have an awareness and sensitivity to individuals and families affected by adoption (including birth parents). I feel, however, that it's equally important to breath a little sometimes and let kids be kids regardless of their birth history.
So, do me a favor. Please do not watch and analyze every move my children (and I) make to see if they are having attachment difficulties. To determine if they are 'you know, all adjusted and happy and stuff.' You see, sometimes life is just life. When my children feel sad, sometimes it is because of their rough start in life, and sometimes they are just, well...sad. Same for tantrums. More often than not, Baby B is just having a tantrum, nothing more.
If I see a child having a fit in a store, I don't sit and analyze the situation ("Gee, I wonder if that child is attaching well to their family...") Why should my children be treated any differently?
When Little Man started school, some of the difficulties he encountered were because of his early years in the care center. Nap time in preschool was a nightmare. Forget the learning the ABC's. Kindergarten was a year that just getting used to school being a safe place was all that he could learn.
Some of the projects in school (like those lovely family tree and 'timeline of my life' projects) break my heart as I try to help Little Man navigate through them. At those times I feel very strongly our 'different-ness' from families formed solely through biology. As a teacher, I feel blessed that I have opportunities in my day for educating children and fellow teachers that adoption is just another way to form a family.
If my children were old enough to articulate themselves this well, I think they would agree with Carl Jung when he said, "I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become."
So no, my life and my children's lives are not dominated by the fact that our family was formed through adoption-except those times when it is.
**To further expand on the idea presented in the quote, the research done by The Institute of Child Development goes on to say:
"You are the biological parent, for you are shaping the biology of their brain."
Let me be clear. This is not to take anything away from the biological parents of the child. It's not a change in the DNA. It's a nature and nurture issue.
A matter of neurological brain development.
The nature is the development that went on in utero and the genetic make up that makes them who they are. Any child whose birth family ultimately had to make the tough decision to place their child out of their care comes from a tough start. The stress of making that decision has effected the brain development, the neurological synapses, even before the child is born.
That's when the nurturing of the adoptive or foster parent(s) comes in. Brain development does not stop after birth. It continues throughout one's lifetime. To again quote from The Institute of Child Development, "Secure relationships can promote new brain growth and biologically improve a child's ability to regulate his or her emotions and behavior." Parents have the opportunity to create an environment where proper attachment, and the creation of a 'safe place' can help the child to not only feel safe but to 'make up for' some of the gaps they have due to their tough start. Just as a person who has suffered the trauma of a stroke can still retrain their brain, so too can a child who has suffered early trauma in their life. It may be difficult, and it won't erase what they have gone through in their past, but there are still opportunity to have new brain growth.
The quote, when taken out of the context that it was stated, is confusing. My hope was that people would click on Dr. Purvis' name and find out more about her research or already be familiar with the work that Dr. Purvis and The Institute of Child Development.
Yes, I do know that adoption does not change genetically who my children are (I wouldn't want it to.) Of course our children's biology cannot (and should not) be changed.
I have provided a link to a trailer for a DVD that has recently been put out by Dr. Purvis and The Institute of Child Development about the importance of attachment: Attachment: Why It Matters Dr. Purvis also has co-authored the book The Connected Child. That book and the training that I took part in through my adoption agency, has been really helpful for our family. It is a book that I feel would be a helpful parenting tool no matter how a child joined a family (whether through birth, adoption, or foster care.)
The Myth of the First Three Years by John Bruer also talks about neurological brain development throughout a person's lifetime.
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ReplyDeleteThank for pointing out a clarification I needed to make in my post. You can read the clarification and update above. I neglected to take into account that many people may be unfamiliar with the work that Dr. Purvis and The Institute of Child Development. Much of what you brought up in your comment matches what they have found in their research. Neurological brain development involves both nature and nurture. Of course our children's biology cannot (and should not) be changed. Nor would I ever diminish the tough start that they have had. That was never what I was implying. If you have been following my blog for long, I'm sure you would see that to be true.
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