An oncology waiting room is filled with people 'waiting' in more ways than one. You can almost feel everyone holding their breath. They often bring someone with them for support. To take notes, to listen to the instructions from the doctor. Hoping and praying for good news, for positive test results, for shrinking of the cancer. You are just a breath away from good (or bad) news. There is a certain tenuousness, a frailty present when you are dealing with such a serious illness.
Except, I never felt frail when I went in for my check ups and treatments. I remember sitting in the waiting room and feeling badly for my fellow cancer patients. They all looked so scared, so tired.
God and I had our talk at the very beginning of that journey and I was going to beat Hodgkin's Lymphoma.
Absolutely.
Sitting in the waiting room with the other patients I realized something about myself that surprised me.
The fact that I hate cancer is nothing new. I would never want to go back to that place of having Hodgkin's again. But no matter how much I wouldn't want to have cancer again, I NEVER want to see one of my family members or friends go through it themselves. It terrifies me to imagine them going through what I went through. I would rather go through it for them, knowing that I have done it once already.
Hodgkin's was just a bump in the road that I was determined to get through. My son WOULD NOT lose his mother to cancer. I would not give in, and be sick. I would push through like I had with any other obstacle in my life.
Defeat was not (is not) an option. Cancer must be stopped.
My doctor doesn't want to see me again for a year. It makes me nervous in some ways. You want to just be happy about it, but there is that little part of you that is still holding its breath.
But I think maybe now it is time to start breathing again.
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Praying for another year of being cancer-free!! Breathe.
ReplyDeleteThanks Laila . I truly am trying to breathe now and move forward with life. If the Dr. says there's nothing to worry about, then it's time to stop wasting time and start living without all of the 'what ifs.' ☺
DeleteI had cervical cancer four years ago and have been cancer free for two years. But it does always sit at the back of the brain, maybe a pain will trigger something or sometimes a conversation and it gets me going and worrying.
ReplyDeleteAnd like you, I wouldn't wish cancer or its treatment on my worst enemy. As far as my children go, I so would take it on in a heart beat for them and never make them have to deal with something so terrible.
Lovely post - congrats on your recovering and keep up the great work. And thank God each and everyday for letting us still be here with those we love and cherish!
Thanks. I would love to go back to that place of 'normal' where every ache and pain didn't raise a hint of a warning flag in my mind...but this is my new normal. God has blessed me with a second chance and i don't plan on wasting it. ☺
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