What to expect when you meet your child

You've waited for months (or years). Finally the time has come to meet your child. 

What should you expect?

With Little Man, he was almost three years old when we met. He had been told that his mom was coming, and had about six months to be prepped for my arrival (along with Grandma). When I came, we played for awhile, then he took my hand and told me" lets go" gesturing to me which direction home was. Apparently, he had memorized the trip to Addis Ababa from the village, and he figured now that mom was here he would be able to escape the care center and head home. The agency I was working with had a policy that you would visit your child for three days, have one day to travel to meet any remaining birth family, and then your child would come to stay with you for the remainder of the trip until it was time to fly home. (At the time, Ethiopia was a one trip country.) Unfortunately, Little Man became increasingly upset with each visit I made, and then left him behind. By the time he could come stay with me forever, he was pretty ticked off and determined to not let me completely 'in' to his quality world. I was probably just going to leave again anyway.

 Those first days together, were hard. ('A jacket lady...are you kidding me?')

 Four months after I brought Little Man home, he asked me why I had left him in Ethiopia and went to America without him. It broke my heart (still does) and so we had our first conversation about his birth family.

Baby B turned nineteen months this week. From all of the information we have received about her, she has been called a very mellow, contented little baby. When she first entered the orphanage, she was one of two babies there, and they have doted on her. She does not easily let people into her quality world. She has her favorite nannies at the orphanage, and doesn't really like to hang out with the other nannies if she can choose. Some adults she has decided that she just doesn't like. According to what they had told me, the only words she really said were 'no' and 'mine' which is pretty typical for her age.

 Except, by the afternoon of our first day together, she was already saying 'thank you' in English. By day two, she was saying 'yeah' (unfortunately we have the bad habit of saying yeah instead of yes around here...possibly a result of my Scandinavian heritage). When anyone else tried to talk to Baby B, she would turn away and come running to me. As long as we were playing alone, just the three of us, she was jabbering non-stop, directing us where to sit, which toys were hers, giggling, smiling, doing silly 'jokes'. She adores her big brother (they had told me that she loved playing with big kids) and wants to copy everything he does. She loves playing hide and seek, having her tummy tickled, and singing the ABC song to herself while she looks at the ABC book with her brother (Little Man was the first one to read it to her, so she figured that he should read it every time!) When she is feeling shy or upset about something, she becomes completely still and tries to just go to sleep to escape who or what is scaring her.

 She loves to snuggle and hates car rides, but still ran to get back into the van with me when it was time for me to leave her back at the orphanage. My heart is still breaking.

When I became a mom to Little Man I remember feeling amazed and terrified that I was not just babysitting this beautiful boy. He was my son. It was up to me to raise him, to support him in his life to become the man God meant for him to be (not a mini me). Yikes. 

Holding Baby B in my arms putting her to sleep, I again felt those feelings.

 A baby?! A girl?! People have told me repeatedly in the adoption process that the married couples usually get all of the babies and usually request girls. I was okay with toddler boys. After all I already had one and he's great.

I looked over at Little Man trying to fall asleep while I sang to his little sister and prayed that I would be enough for both of them. That I would be able to focus fully on both of their needs and not let myself get too busy with one (or the other) but give both of them what they need.

So here I sit, with only one of my children.

It makes no sense to me that I would have to leave my child behind after we finally were able to be together. The Haitian courts now say she is my daughter. She should be able to come home now. I pray that this time away will not damage the bond that we have begun. When I return, I want to see her face light up in recognition as she runs into my arms.

Will your child(ren) immediately attach to you? Maybe, maybe not. I am not an expert. For me, the fact that both of my children didn't automatically smother me with love was a sign that they were discerning in their attachment to others. Their trust was gained gradually. Did I, as a child, immediately jump into just anybody's arms when invited. Absolutely not. As long as they have someone they have attached to (which Little Man had, and it appears that Baby B does as well) then they should be able to attach in a healthy manner when they come home.

So, what will it be like meeting your child(ren) for the first time. 

Terrifying, exciting, heartbreaking, wonderful, confusing, exhausting, amazing.

Expect the unexpected. 

Treasure each moment. Lock them in your heart. Remember that your child (no matter what their age) is just as terrified/hopeful as you are (probably more so).  It is all worth it. Give yourselves time to become a family, and grow together.

Breathe, pray, and just be.