You see, last week was my six month CT scan to make sure that I am still Hodgkin's free.
About a month before your appointment, you receive a letter stating when to stop eating food the night before, when to report, etc. That (for me) usually begins the internal dialogue. " I feel good, I don't think I am having any night sweats, although I did wake up the other night hot...but was it night sweats? Do I feel any new lumps in my lymph nodes? Well, my neck is kind of sore, but that can't be my lymph nodes because there is no lymph node there anymore...My weight is down a little, but then I was sick last week and could barely hold any food down for a few days..." You get the picture.
I am more than pleased to report, that today I was officially told that I am still Hodgkin's free. There was no reason to assume the results would be anything other than good (all of my doctors did approve me moving forward with adopting again). However, there will always be that little part of my mind that worries over the 'what ifs'.
I am proud to be a survivor. But you see, I never wanted to be one of the survivors. I wanted to be one of the untouched ones, that never has to worry about surviving anything, but rather consoles those other people instead (pretty selfish I know). Safely distanced from any of the 'yucks' in life.
Although I have been carrying on for the past month with a smile on my face,on the inside I have had many moments of turmoil. Now, I have six months before my next scan when I will start that roller coaster of emotions once again.
Hopefully, as the months and years go on, each successive scan will be less and less of a big deal. I pray that God helps me to hang onto His peace in those times (I really do try to).
And I will remember that I never know when those around me may be wearing a smile to hide the pain that is inside of them.
Tonight, I will sleep in peace, and dream of my Baby B coming home.
6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.~Philippians 4:6-7
6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.~Philippians 4:6-7
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