Adoption Link Up 3: Adoption Ethics

The topic for this Adoption Talk Link Up is adoption ethics, a topic that I, as an adoptive parent, take very seriously. When I was considering adoption before bringing home Little Man and Baby B one of the most important parts of the process was making sure my agency was ethical.

So what exactly is an 'ethical' adoption agency? 

For me, that meant that there was evidence the agency was doing everything in the power to keep children with their birth families, if at all possible. This could involve anything from help with finding employment, to providing supplemental food while the families are getting back on their feet, to providing access to schooling, community gardens, and wells for clean water.

Helping the families and community rather than just taking their future (the children) away from the them.

It also meant that safeguards were in place to ensure that the children being placed were truly in need of a home, that they were not being stolen and/or that the parents were not being forced or coerced into letting their children go to another family, with false promises of being reunified one day.

On one occasion, during my adoption from Haiti, I was able to see the director of the agency have a conversation with a young birth mother. The mother was wanting to place her baby in the creche but the director was adamant that what she needed was to first find a job, so that she could provide for her child (support was provided from the agency for her to make steps towards this goal.) Sadly, relinquishment happens when a loving birth families who lack the resources to provide for their children's most basic needs-food, clean water, medical care, or shelter.

During my adoption journey, I worked with three different agencies. Two were very ethical, and have in place programs like the ones I mentioned. One agency I left (several thousands of dollars into an adoption) because red flags started popping up. I didn't feel comfortable that they weren't using coercion to find children to place with their adoptive families, so I walked away.

So how does a person find an ethical agency?

1. Talk to anyone you know who has adopted. Ask them what their experience was like and if they would recommend their agency to others.

2. Search the internet. RESEARCH A TON. Make a list of agencies that have in place safe guards to maintain high ethical standards, and providing support for the birth families.

2. Interview agencies. Make a list of your questions. Call and ask to speak with the director of the program you are interested in. Do a gut check. Any red flags yet?

3. Check with the Better Business Bureau to see if there are any complaints with the agencies you are looking at.

4. Take your narrowed down list, call back those agencies, and ask for references...families that have adopted through them. Most adoptive families are very open to talking about their experiences.

By going through these steps, you will, hopefully, have narrowed it down to one or two agencies. Take your time and don't rush this part of the process. You want to find an agency that not only is a good fit for you but, perhaps even more importantly, respects, honors, and supports the birth families as the struggle to make the best choice for their child.

Don't forget to check out the other blogs in the link up (here's one to check out) and leave a comment.

http://www.nobohnsaboutit.com/

 


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Adoption Link Up 2: Strong Willed Children

For the second Adoption Talk Link Up the topic is "Anything Goes," so I decided to do a re-post of one of my most read posts, Parenting a Strong Willed Child. 

I was what people call a 'strong willed' child. I knew what was expected of me and would behave appropriately in public (most of the time). At home however, it was a different story.

My poor parents. I know that many of their gray hairs have my name on them. They told me when I was out of college that they seriously wondered if I would survive to adulthood (yep, that bad).

The ironic part of all of this is that I am now raising not one, but two strong-willed children. Each one has their own strong-willed tendencies. This doesn't mean that they are bad children. They have definite leadership potential. They are loving, sensitive, creative kids. Thankfully, the battles they each pick aren't the same ones. Usually, they aren't at the same time either.

The funny thing is, at the end of a day full of battles, my kids aren't the problem...I am.

Being a former strong willed child, part of me wants to pull on the gloves when I sense conflict. I think the word that my mom used to use for it was being 'ornery' or 'contrary'.  You say yes? Well then, my answer must be 'no'. Try to back me into a corner decision wise...I'll come out fighting.

I know, it makes no rational sense and is completely juvenile. In most adult situations, I can mentally talk myself down from this mindset. With my kids however, I have the added piece of 'Hey, I'm the grown-up here. Just obey me now, okay?' My kids know exactly which buttons to push to get me going. The last thing they need is a mom who is playing a headbutting game of wills over ridiculous things, just for the sake of having my own way.

So, what's a parent to do?

I've narrowed it down to eight things for myself.

1. Admit that I have a oppositional streak. Ask myself "Is it really the kids picking the battle, or am I just in a 'mood.'"

2. Take a break. Don't discipline until I can do so calmly and rationally.

3. Look back to look forward. I was a strong-willed child and I turned out okay. I just need to work the rest of my strong willed 'kinks' out. What did my parents do to help me turn into a successful adult.

4. Make a research project out of it. I've been trying to figure out what things are triggers for me, and what my children's triggers are.  If it helps to avoid conflict in the long run, it's worth it.

5. Laugh a little. Talking to other formerly strong willed children (and parents) helps a ton. Not only does it help me to be able to laugh a little at my struggles, but suddenly I no longer feel so alone in this journey. Plus, most of us have at least one strong willed child so we have a lot a stories to share.

6. Take care of myself. The better I eat, the more I sleep, and the more I move the better I parent. Remember how crabby you would be the day after Halloween as a kid when you were coming down from your sugar rush and had gotten to bed too late? Enough said.

7. Admit defeat. Sometimes I will be wrong. I will make the wrong decision. I will jump to the wrong conclusion and I need to tell my kids those two words, "I'm sorry." It's not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength and it's something that my children need to see me model.

8. Pray for wisdom and discernment. God will point out to my flaws and weaknesses if I ask him. I might not always like what I discover but it's worth it.

Becoming a parent didn't mean that I automatically had all of the answers. Boy, was that disappointing to discover! But, being a parent does mean I need to be the best that I can be so that I can help my children become their best. To do that I need to take care of my strong willed tendencies, so that they don't raise their ugly head during the sometimes stressful journey of raising two amazing human beings.

I think I am up for the challenge. Remember...I'm kind of strong willed. ☺


Now, don't forget to check out the other blogs in the link up (here's one to check out) and leave a comment.

http://www.nobohnsaboutit.com/

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Our Adoption Story (A Second Look)

Today I'm excited to be participating in the first topic of the Adoption Talk Link Up. The first topic we are covering is “Our Stories.”

http://www.nobohnsaboutit.com/

I've written about our adoption stories before (you can read it here) but today I decided to go out on a limb and tackle how it felt when I adopted my oldest, Little Man (kind of a big deal for me so please be kind.)

Several years ago, I was part of a discussion with some other parents about our children's adoption stories. It was expressed by one of the parents that they wished their children had the fairy tale coming home story that many children being raised by their birth families had.

That really resonated with me. Adoption, to me, is the redemption of a deep tragedy. A testament that beauty can rise from the ashes.

At the time, I was being treated for Hodgkin's Lymphoma and was having trouble sleeping due to some of my medications. One night, after a day of chemo, this story poured out, a gift from God. I slept like a baby once I had finished it.  I hope to write down Baby B's story one day to share with her as well.

I've never shared our story in this way on the blog before. It's meant too much, and seemed too precious and sacred to share. It was never the right time.

Until now.

There you go! If you have an adoption story to share please feel free join the link up and check out some of the other blogs here, to get started.

~ Aleah Bea

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Staying Motivated with Your Resolutions

Soooo, how are those resolutions working for you? If you remember my post from the beginning of the year, I am trying out new year's resolutions for the first time in 2015. I was apprehensive at first, but I decided that it was worth a shot.

You know, YOLO and all of that good stuff.

One of my mini goals was exercising twice a week. As I have been working towards that goal, I have recruited a surprising workout buddy-my three year old.  She loves to work out. The one (yes, one) day that I worked out in 2014, I did Pilates with my sister and our kids. Baby B spent the entire workout climbing over, on top of, and under me while I attempted planks, child poses, and downward dogs. Her favorites were when I kissed her nose every time I went down for a push-up. Little Man has even joined in a time or two (although he much prefers when we do Tae Bo).

Initially, I found this adorable, but a little frustrating. Then I decided that the added challenge of a three year old using me as a jungle gym was just upping my work out difficulty level. Full contact Pilates if you will, or high impact (and I have the cut lip and back pain to prove it.)

Needless to say, I think that I'll start doing my workouts while the kids are in bed. However, I may still do some workouts while they are awake (bonuses, if you will). It's good for my kids to see me exercising, and it's fun to have them working out with me. I just need to lay my 'goal minded' expectations aside when we are working out together.

Now for the real question I know you're asking yourself, "That's all well and good, but have you worked out twice a week this month?" Nope. But I did this week. Surprisingly, working out is starting to feel fun for me and that my friends, is HUGE.  When I have fun doing something, I want to keep doing it (don't we all). Plus, by recruiting my kids as my personal trainers, I have a built in reminders that I couldn't escape if I wanted to.

It's all about changing our mindset. Baby steps, my friends. This is the year. We can do it!

I'll update you on my progress with my other resolutions in the days to come.

-Mama Bea

Perspective Changes Everything

The beginning of new year is a great time to reset your frame of mind. Call it resolutions, goal setting, or choosing a word for the year, many people are looking for ways to make a fresh start.

While I am attempting to work on some resolutions this year, I also have had a phrase running through my head for the past week or so. I woke up this morning, at 3:40, with a story to explain the phrase.

 I thought that I'd pass it on to you.

The Walk

A woman decided to take her visiting friend for a walk one fresh spring day. 

Returning home, the woman declared, "That walk was wonderf..." 

"Horrible!" interjected her friend. 

Confused, the woman asked her friend what had been so horrible about the walk. 

"Didn't you see all of the trash that people had dumped along the highway?" her friend said.  "Now that the snow is thawing, it's EVERYWHERE! People have no respect these days. Plus, that road is all rutted up. I don't know how any cars make it through that muddy mess."

Nodding, the woman smiled at her friend.

"But, did you happen to notice," she began, "the birds making nests to get ready for their new babies?" Or the way that the sun was shining through the branches overhead? Did you see the new buds coming out on all of the trees? There's nothing like the first green of spring."

Her friend look at her quizzically. She hadn't noticed any of those things during their outing.

"You see," the woman continued, "when spring comes, there is trash to clean up, there is mud and there are messes. But there is also growth, new life, and new beginnings. You just have to look up."

You. Just. Have. To. Look. Up.

During the struggles of the past year, I have felt myself looking down a lot. Pushing myself along, just trying to survive. Making eye contact for too long might allow people to see the depth of the pain that I was trying to work through. Best to just keep things light and on the surface. Holding myself back and denying that personal connection with the people around me hurts, not only them, but myself.

The pain is not over. The struggles continue. But a life spent looking down is no way to live. Life is not just garbage and muddy messes (and pain). Life is also sunshine, laughter, and new beginnings.

Perspective changes everything.

This year I've made resolutions, but I also have a phrase I will be carrying with me.

You just have to look up.

New Year's Resolutions for Beginners: Part 1

As I may have mentioned yesterday, I've been apprehensive about making resolutions that are too big and unattainable. While I have a lot of different ideas for all the different areas in my life, I'm only focusing on changes for myself during the start of the year.

Here they are, my first ever New Year's resolution. Sort-of.  I guess technically they aren't all New Year's resolutions because I'm not officially starting them all with the new year.

Let's just call 2015, the year of change.

Just for Me

Fun
 I used to read books. It was fun. Sigh. This year I've decided make a goal of reading 6 books (that don't have pictures to help with the story.) I'd also like to go out with friends more than five times this year-yeah, I'm getting all wild and crazy over here!

Health
 I don't do gyms. I hate working out in crowds. But I do need to work on my strength and flexibility (2015 marks my 40th year and I plan on making sure the next 40 or more years are good ones.)  My goal is to workout more than I did in 2014. Having only worked out (ahem) once officially this year, I think this is a goal that I can achieve.

My chosen method: Pilates (I used to do Pilates and I loved it!) Frequency (baby stepping here remember): Twice a week for January, and February. Three times a week for March and April. May through forever, four to five times a week.

Spirit
Speaking for myself, I can't be a healthy mother if I don't set aside some time to 'be' with God. Right now I have two different devotionals and my Bible sitting on the end table next to my couch. While I'd like to say that I will definitely read my devotional daily, it doesn't always happen. However, I can spend quiet time with God-when I'm getting ready in the morning, packing lunches, getting dressed, after the kids go to bed at night. Prayer without ceasing.

I also know that I need time to breath. To just exist without caring for anyone, without having anything to do or think about. For me, getting outside in nature or doing manual labor (I know, weird, right) does that for me. 

Creativity
I am horrible about designating time for my art or to finish the art that I start. Ironically, I feel the most comfortable and content when I am creating. I can't tell (okay, I won't tell you) how many projects I have laying around the house right now. If it is a project for someone else I generally get it done (especially if it's not a family member). I just need deadlines I guess. This year I'm setting a goal of finishing three of those projects that I have started.

Well that's it. I've started with me because I truly believe that the more balanced, happy, and healthy I am, the better I can take care of my kids. It's important for them to see a their mom taking care of herself.  

Fingers crossed. I have other goals for the year which I plan on sharing eventually. Like I said, 2015 is going to be a year of making healthy changes.

What are some of the healthy changes you plan on making in the coming year? 

New Year's Resolutions

I have never been one to make New Year's resolutions. To me, our lives should be a continual process of self improvement. This coming year feels different. Our family has been through a lot. It feels at times that there is a dark cloud hanging over us. A sorrow that will never lift. But I refuse to live that way.

Life is not meant to be endured, it's meant to be lived. While grief makes me want to stay frozen in time, life is moving forward. Painful as it is. 

We have a brief time on this planet. I am not going to stroll through my journey, I want to run the race. Even if I trip and fall along the way. I may reach the finish line beaten and bruised, in fact, I am fairly certain that I will. But, I also know that along with the lows, there will be highs. Moments of joy to match the moments of sorrow. Moments of both triumph and failure.

Most importantly I want to show my children that, although life can be hard, we should never be afraid to live.

The extraneous stuff, the mundane, that petty worries that keep me awake at night-I'm done with it (at least I'm going to try.) There's a saying by Stephen Covey that says, "The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing."

I've been trying to narrow my goals down to a few of (what I consider to be) the most important areas of my life. I'm keeping the goals small. With my hectic life, there is really no point in making grandiose, impossible goals.

I need to take care of myself. I need to take care of my family. I need to take care of our home. I'd like to serve others and make an impact on the world in some small way. There are hundreds (if not thousands) of things that I could do in each of these areas. It can be overwhelming.

For me, I've decided to first look at who I am as a person, and who I would like to be. I need to stay true to myself. I need to set goals that have meaning to me and would make a difference in my life, for my family. Over the past few weeks, I've been spending time just trying to imagine what I want our lives to look and feel like. The question is, what would have the most impact? What's the "main thing" or things for us?

What's your main thing? Are you ready for 2015?

I'll be publishing my list of goals/plans/resolutions on New Year's Eve.

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